Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
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When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good