Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
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I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
i’m still crying at this
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I mean…but I did
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Good advice.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to