*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
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I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
This kid is going places
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Buying a well is money well spent.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.