Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
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My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.