Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
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Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
This could be us but you eatin’
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Thursday Thought.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.