It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
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Yeah I do yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
No, I am not insulting you. I am just describing you.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.