TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
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Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane