[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
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My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly