I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
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Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
This was the best day of my life
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.