[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

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Never date a chemist, they seduce you with their magnetism, only call you periodically, then one day: Boom! They Argon.


[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees


– Judy, you have such a great taste!
– Steve, stop biting me!


Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.


so after the Coronavirus blows over, will y’all continue to practice good hygiene and sanitation? … or will y’all go back to not washing your legs when you shower?


Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.


[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all


[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂