[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
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My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??