Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
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I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one