Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

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Omg someone broke into my professor’s house & stole his laptop so my class today has been cancelled. I gotta find this person & thank him.


The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.


They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.


If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again


*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?


If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.


INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments


Worst thing about smoking marijuana nightly is the strong desire to also smoke it morningly, lunchly, afternoonly and allthetimely.