@boozemunkee

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

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@aecide

Omg someone broke into my professor’s house & stole his laptop so my class today has been cancelled. I gotta find this person & thank him.

@Robert_Beau

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

@markydoodoo

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

@MelvinofYork

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

@UncleDuke1969

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

@thatUPSdude

If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.

@ohpegah

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

@HeavyRaines17

Worst thing about smoking marijuana nightly is the strong desire to also smoke it morningly, lunchly, afternoonly and allthetimely.