Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
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I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me