[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
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Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?