Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
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besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”