Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
21: awesome bro, I got this
30: seriously? whatever
35: this is really getting old
40: WILL YOU MARRY ME
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I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]
Bad guy: He’s coming
Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga
Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him
Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment