*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
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How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I’m Sold!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.