Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
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MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*