[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.


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“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”


Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!


ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective


cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold


if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you


the devil has a tape recorder containing the sounds you made when you sang aloud with a group but didn’t actually know the words


My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.


Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators



Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening


Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.


Coworker: Guess what day it is?
Me: Don’t.
CW: Guess what day it is?
Me: Don’t.
CW: It’s hum..
[30 min later]
Cop: So you stapled his lips?