@psybermonkey

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

You Might Also Like

@TheTimeIGotHigh

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

@caithuls

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

@ianpauldukes

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

@MarfSalvador

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

@imteddybless

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

@BromanConsul

the devil has a tape recorder containing the sounds you made when you sang aloud with a group but didn’t actually know the words

@ddsmidt

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

@Browtweaten

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

@anerdonfire2

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: Guess what day it is?
Me: Don’t.
CW: Guess what day it is?
Me: Don’t.
CW: It’s hum..
[30 min later]
Cop: So you stapled his lips?