@psybermonkey

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

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@ladybroseph

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

@Snarfernini

This salad tastes like I’m about done with my New Year’s Resolution.

@ObscureGent

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

@behindyourback

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

@TuSoonShakur

CRUELLA DE VIL: you’re just giving away all of these coats for free?

SHELTER CLERK: yeah we call them rescues though

@AmishPornStar1

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

@david8hughes

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

@QwertyJones3

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.