[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
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The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….