Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
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Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?