[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
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My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!