Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
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FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Police inspectors on British mystery shows always seem to know the murder victim. Moral: do not befriend any British police inspectors.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze