[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

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Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.


FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best


The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.


Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.


Police inspectors on British mystery shows always seem to know the murder victim. Moral: do not befriend any British police inspectors.


Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.



–spirited debate


Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.


Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate


Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze