@ashmensch

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

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@Cheeseboy22

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

@thetits

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

@JoParkerBear

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

@Reverend_Scott

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

@michaelianblack

Police inspectors on British mystery shows always seem to know the murder victim. Moral: do not befriend any British police inspectors.

@impJOKER

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

@fro_vo

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

@lecalabara

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

@psybermonkey

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

@lgbk44

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze