@DaddyJew

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

- @DaddyJew

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@JohnLyonTweets

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

@seupo

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

@Bouuvine

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

@Phreemann

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

@SatansTongue

*slips a 20*
How about a private dance
“Okay let’s go”
*heads to private room*
“You ready?”
Oh hell yeah
*we both do the cha cha slide*

@3sunzzz

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

@MissHavisham

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.