[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
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*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
is this a warning or an offer?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*