{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
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Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott