Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
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I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing