[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
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When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.