@TheAlexP

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

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@snmrrw

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

@withanewname

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

@blahdevivre

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

@iamspacegirl

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

@CArmanthegirl

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

@Th3BadGuy__

I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.

@ericsshadow

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

@JaiWalker

*buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
*panics*
OMG WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
*son walks in with powered toothbrush*
*buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
thank GOD.

@earnestaugust

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.