*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
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I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
ACED my prostate exam!
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.