facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
This beer told me I could dance.
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The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
“How many people work at your company?”
About half of them.
I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
OMG WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
*son walks in with powered toothbrush*
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.