*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
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“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
You deplete me
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol