“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
You Might Also Like
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I am never leaving this website
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I never needed anything more in my life
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.