[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
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GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
opening twitter today
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.