Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
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the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not