@roxiqt

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

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@shutupmikeginn

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

@Parkerlawyer

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: You need to text faster

Me: Not sure what you just sent. I’m still working on the texts from 3 weeks ago

@itsallbollocks

Some women are freaks in bed, I’m just a freak, in bed, in a fuchsia giraffe onesie

@DaddyJew

*coughing uncontrollably for 10 minutes*

*neighbors peek outside*

*shakes my head no and holds up blunt*

*neghbor gives a thumbs up and goes on about their day*

@TweetPotato314

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

@trojansauce

something amazing about the original ghost busters movie is that it was made in the 80s before the invention of special effects so they had to cast actual ghosts

@AlexvanBeek

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.