Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
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I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Husband: Are you sure?
Husband, sweating: ok
Her: You need to text faster
Me: Not sure what you just sent. I’m still working on the texts from 3 weeks ago
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Some women are freaks in bed, I’m just a freak, in bed, in a fuchsia giraffe onesie
*coughing uncontrollably for 10 minutes*
*neighbors peek outside*
*shakes my head no and holds up blunt*
*neghbor gives a thumbs up and goes on about their day*
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
something amazing about the original ghost busters movie is that it was made in the 80s before the invention of special effects so they had to cast actual ghosts
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.