[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
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HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty