[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
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My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.