[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly


My office password’s been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.


Boss: Are you high?

Me: [trying to photocopy a dog] are you a cop?


When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.


guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much


Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.


Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.


“How can it be global warming,” pondered @realDonaldTrump, “if it’s cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard.”


When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.