@KalvinMacleod

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

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@dire_beard

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

@liz_buckley

My office password’s been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

@EndhooS

Boss: Are you high?

Me: [trying to photocopy a dog] are you a cop?

@darksidesith75

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

@Shen_the_Bird

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

@OrangeFact

Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.

@skittle624

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

@hrtbps

“How can it be global warming,” pondered @realDonaldTrump, “if it’s cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard.”

@desijourno

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.