I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
All. The. Damn. Time.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I know a bad idea when I see one.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Whoa 😂
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Sorry. Not sorry
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned