I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.