getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.