*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
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Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Best spoiler warning ever
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Name another movie that mislead you?
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
just left a huge legacy in there
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol