*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
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[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?