*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

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Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that


Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.


tried on a bra in Primark & it was nice so I went to buy it but there was no tag so the guy went to find a supervisor to get a code, comes back & goes “this isn’t ours, it’s a swap” so someone has literally left THEIR OWN BRA on a hanger in order to shoplift one AND I TRIED IT ON


Google+ is not a “ghost town”, because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.


HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows


before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now


[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim


Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.


[guy inventing Captain Crunch]

Hear me out, they’re razor blades, but they’re delicious.