*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
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*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I bet
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”