Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

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Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.


People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.


I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.


I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.


really nice when the youtube home workout guy with 17 abs is like “ur doing great” like thanks buddy but i am throwing up everywhere


Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?


[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here


7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.


I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken