@Jandalize

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

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@FeelingMervis

Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.

@Adar79Angie

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

@mortimermaiden

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

@realHamOnWry

I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.

@thombodytolove

really nice when the youtube home workout guy with 17 abs is like “ur doing great” like thanks buddy but i am throwing up everywhere

@mjkspeaks

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

@kacisuewho

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

@mommajessiec

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

@envydatropic

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken