Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
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what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.