my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
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Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I just Googled “cool new rare diseases.”
this is your brain
*points to egg*
but this is your brain ON DRUGS
*puts egg on pile of drugs*
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Vin Diesel: i got a movie idea
Vin Diesel: so there’s these cars
producer: go on
Vin Diesel: they’ll be fast
producer: can they also be…furious?
Vin Diesel: i dont see why not
producer: let’s make fifty
this lipgloss is called mcdonalds hash brown