Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
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My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”