Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

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“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.


*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes


Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work


My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.


My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?


I probably wouldn’t know what to do with my hands if you were murdering me, but there’s a strong possibility I would hug you really tight.


Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.


Google search history:

Is there a j in marawana
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet