@VerifiedDrunk

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

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@garbagecoven

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

@SarcasticCharm

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

@zachreinert03

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

@hunz74

I just Googled “cool new rare diseases.”

@BlackCheesePie

this is your brain

*points to egg*

but this is your brain ON DRUGS

*puts egg on pile of drugs*

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

@_elvishpresley_

Vin Diesel: i got a movie idea

producer: great

Vin Diesel: so there’s these cars

producer: go on

Vin Diesel: they’ll be fast

producer: can they also be…furious?

Vin Diesel: i dont see why not

producer: let’s make fifty