@VerifiedDrunk

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

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@jumpdashark

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

@HansGrubertron

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

@okimstillhungry

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

@NikatNiteNite

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

@jackmackenroth

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

@FuckabillyRex

I probably wouldn’t know what to do with my hands if you were murdering me, but there’s a strong possibility I would hug you really tight.

@PetrickSara

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

@notxzibit

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet