Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
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He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’