Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
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The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.