Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
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Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
finally
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.