911: what’s ur emergency
me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me
911: what’s going on?
me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.
911: and why are you in jail?
me: im callin 911 too much :/
911: yep. you know what this means.
me: worse jail :/
911: *nods* worse jail
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
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Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Next time you’re in the changing room and sales person asks if you need anything, just say “Yes, can I get some toilet paper?”
Hey baby, lemme see what’s under that shell.
Ugh, as if. *Lady turtle starts walking away.*
[3 hours later]
I still see you there baby.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
“we don- are u a snake”
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.