@theevilwriter

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

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@plsleaveamsg

“You’re just not enlightened enough to understand the beauty of polyamoury!”

And you’re not enlightened enough to understand just how much people in general annoy TF out of me.

@TheToddWilliams

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

@Phook75

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine

@Bearslietoo

Saw a squirrel get hit by a car earlier.Felt kinda bad,but I don’t think the squirrel gave a shit that the Smart Car was totaled.

@MomofTeen

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

@PoodleSnarf

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

@putyoursisterd1

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

@iamspacegirl

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

@LinajkReturns

Hottest day ever recorded in November and my neighbor is already installing Christmas lights. So don’t send me a fruitcake. Already got one.