“You’re just not enlightened enough to understand the beauty of polyamoury!”
And you’re not enlightened enough to understand just how much people in general annoy TF out of me.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
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PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine
Saw a squirrel get hit by a car earlier.Felt kinda bad,but I don’t think the squirrel gave a shit that the Smart Car was totaled.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Hottest day ever recorded in November and my neighbor is already installing Christmas lights. So don’t send me a fruitcake. Already got one.