Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
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People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Bro what is this
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.