@TheQuietPsycho

*getting married

Priest: will you love & honor her?
Me: I will
Her: [whispers to priest]
Priest: and leave your phone unlocked?
Me: I’m out

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@TheAlexNevil

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

@mandysparklerxo

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

@Eden_Eats

*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *

*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *

@Doughbvy

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

@5hael

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

@FriedGoat

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

@MableGertrude

I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.

@umer_0000

Feet is the plural of Foot
Geese is the plural of Goose

So by extension, stop calling it Jeep, it is only one Joop

@omgthatspunny

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

@robfee

Cons of being on The Walking Dead: Almost everyone you know is dead & the world is a desolate zombie wasteland

Pros: No more Adobe updates!