Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Priest: will you love & honor her?
Me: I will
Her: [whispers to priest]
Priest: and leave your phone unlocked?
Me: I’m out
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If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be
*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
DEMON: hey now
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy