*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
M: Can you tell me why?
Priest: will you love & honor her?
Me: I will
Her: [whispers to priest]
Priest: and leave your phone unlocked?
Me: I’m out
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I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *
*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.
Feet is the plural of Foot
Geese is the plural of Goose
So by extension, stop calling it Jeep, it is only one Joop
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
Cons of being on The Walking Dead: Almost everyone you know is dead & the world is a desolate zombie wasteland
Pros: No more Adobe updates!