@TheQuietPsycho

*getting married

Priest: will you love & honor her?
Me: I will
Her: [whispers to priest]
Priest: and leave your phone unlocked?
Me: I’m out

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@ArfMeasures

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

@LuvPug

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

@sad_tree

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

@AmishPornStar1

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

@nbadag

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

@EdgarAllanLo

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

@_Mo_lee_

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

@Arr

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

@ilovepie84

Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon

@IamEnidColeslaw

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy