They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
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Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?