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@bea_ker

Crabs only walk that way when people are looking at them

@mydmac

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

@ronnui_

Murderer: *gun to my head* What is the difference between a shirt and a blouse

Me: Tell my family I love them

@CulturedRuffian

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

@Daveastated

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

@murrman5

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

@FredTaming

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no