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Crabs only walk that way when people are looking at them


According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.


Murderer: *gun to my head* What is the difference between a shirt and a blouse

Me: Tell my family I love them


Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.


You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!


yes lassie?
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad


doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no