Crabs only walk that way when people are looking at them
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According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Murderer: *gun to my head* What is the difference between a shirt and a blouse
Me: Tell my family I love them
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
It’s okay Pluto I am not a planet either.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no