@G_Faylor

[getting moidered]
is this because i’m from new joisey?

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@KevinFarzad

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

@shanselman

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

@Spaziotwat

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

@HallpassCanada

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

@daddydoubts

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

@nonsensetwit

My fear of spiders happened when I went to hit one with a newspaper, and it looked at me and did pushups saying “try again bro.”

@ArfMeasures

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

@Chumpstring

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

@kenchengcomedy

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

@bakedbrotatoes

-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.