Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
is this because i’m from new joisey?
You Might Also Like
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
My fear of spiders happened when I went to hit one with a newspaper, and it looked at me and did pushups saying “try again bro.”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
SON: can i yell bomb?
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.