@G_Faylor

[getting moidered]
is this because i’m from new joisey?

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@ItsZaeOk

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

@pizza_dragon

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

@AlanRutledge

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

@Okeating

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

@LorieGZ

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

@Contwixt

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

@elle91

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

@Darlainky

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

@Jake_Vig

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”