[getting moidered]
is this because i’m from new joisey?

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pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.


“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”


Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!


I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.


Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.


A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus


Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?


My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.


“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”