And now we wait
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NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.