Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.