Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@yenniwhite

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

@PajamaStew

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

@SnellWarren

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

@stevevsninjas

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

@PearlsFromMyrna

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

@mydmac

I don’t hate children, just yours.

@OllyiConic

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

@CornOnTheGoblin

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

@TommyRainmaker

[after fight with bane]

batman: my back is broken

batman’s mom: it’s bc you’re on the computer too much

@BooFricketyHoo

I thought I had life all sorted out, and then the wind blew.