Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
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“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[after fight with bane]
batman: my back is broken
batman’s mom: it’s bc you’re on the computer too much
I thought I had life all sorted out, and then the wind blew.