[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

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Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.



“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!


I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?


I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]


waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats


(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread


[after fight with bane]

batman: my back is broken

batman’s mom: it’s bc you’re on the computer too much