(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
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My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Friends that check up on you >
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
S M O L
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.