@ch000ch

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

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@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

@TweetPotato314

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

@thedad

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

@paul_haine

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

@nthall350

The iPhone 8 probably won’t even have a phone in it.

@NicestHippo

[girlfriend yelling]
You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names!
[she knocks over my dead hamster’s shrine]
GILGAMESH!

@iwearaonesie

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

@TweetsByKaylee

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

@colesprouse

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere